THE RYDER CUP THIS WEEKEND GUYS IM
IM THE 19TH HOLE
My knowledge of Golf is minimal but my expertise in blowjobs isnt
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
~ Phyllis Diller
Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.
~ Anonymous
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
~ Thomas Mulligan
Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.
~ Bruce Lansky
Of all the hazards, fear is the worst.
~ Sam Snead
The most important shot in golf is the next one.
~ Ben Hogan
The best advice I can give for playing a ball out of water is – don’t.
~ Tony Lema
That putt had more breaks than a government job.
~ Brian Weis
I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it.
~ Jim Dent
Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you’re dead.
~ Tommy Bolt
The older I get, the better I used to be.
~ Lee Trevino
Keep close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt.
~ Sam Snead
Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.
~ Arnold Palmer
Golf’s three ugliest words: still your shot.
~ Dave Marr
A routine is not a routine if you have to think about it.
~ Davis Love Jr.
Through the ball we are all the same. We just have different ways of getting it there.
~ Charles Coody
The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.
~ John Updike
The older you get the stronger the wind gets… and it’s always in your face.
~ Jack Nicklaus
Golf is 20 percent talent and 80 percent management.
~ Ben Hogan
Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a 1-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes.
~ Dave Marr
This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win.
~ Ben Hogan
A good one iron shot is about as easy to come by as an understanding wife.
~ Dan Jenkins
I never learned anything from a match that I won.
~ Bobby Jones
Golf is a better game played downhill.
~ Jack Nicklaus
The more you play it the less you know about it.
~ Patty Berg
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
~ Bob Hope
I’m about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That’s the distance my left ear is from my right.
~ Ben Crenshaw
One thing about golf is you don’t know why you play bad and why you play good.
~ George Archer
It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it.
~ Jack Nicklaus
Concentrate on hitting the green. The cup will come to you.
~ Cary Middlecoff
Missing a short putt does not mean you have to hit your next drive out of bounds.
~ Henry Cotton
The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.
~ St Andrews Rotary Club Member
Baseball reveals character; golf exposes it.
~ Ernie Banks
Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap.
~ Bobby Nichols
Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective.
~ Huxtable Pippey
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.
~ Pete Dye
My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one!
~ Jane Swan
You know you’re on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do.
~ Bob Bruce
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.
~ Andrew Perry
Golf is just a game – and an idiotic game most of the time.
~ Mark Calcavecchia
Talking to a golf ball won’t do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.
~ Bruce Lansky
A golfer has to train his swing on the practice tee, then trust it on the course.
~ Dr Bob Rotella
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
~ Jim Bishop
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
The woods are full of long drivers.
~ Harvey Penick
When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.
~ Dave Stockton
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
~ Thomas Mulligan
Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.
~ Bruce Lansky
Of all the hazards, fear is the worst.
~ Sam Snead
A golfer has to train his swing on the practice tee, then trust it on the course.
~ Dr Bob Rotella