Guys I’m in love . I have found a keeper

Guys I’m in love . Seriously I have found a keeper .
I have had the most amazing few nights in my bedroom recently .

Nope it’s not a man that I’m in love with . Its my new Dyson Fan the AM06 .
I love the hot weather but only when I’m on holiday and not working .
And I have been finding working in this heatwave unbearable . So despite the huge price I bought 2 Dyson fans after reading the reviews online .

I bought the mini Dyson AM06 and the bigger Pure Cool Dyson
The bigger Pure Cool Dyson was a big disappointment. At a shade over £400 it’s not worth it in my opinion it can do a lot of stuff like purify the air and tell me the air particles but it’s not doing what I needed which was to Cool Me Down .So it’s going back to Mr Dyson As my gran would say it’s all fur coat and no knickers .

But the smaller & cheaper Desktop version
Dyson AMO6 is amazing it’s so good I’ve named it Liam after Liam Neilson in Taken because it’s strong, silent, cool as ice, and can kick some serious ass.

Never has going to bed been so bloody enjoyable . No tossing and turning to keep cool . Just Liam by my side doing the job the job perfectly . Im in heaven .

And the bonus.
Well apart from being expensive initially Liam doesn’t steel the sheets , snore , or kick me out of bed and is pretty much the strong and silent stuff while being icy Cool .
And he comes with a remote control so i can make him work harder if I need him to .
Ladies if your dying in this heatwave that’s is apparently going on till the end of August I highly recommend buying a Dyson AMO6.
It’s light enough and easy to carry so you can easily pop it in the car and take with you on tour if your in a hotel with no air con

I’m in bed right now and I feel deliciously cool

Let me lick you up and down.

I’ve probably mentioned this before a few times ( ok probably a hundred times ) but i dislike this hot weather .
I don’t mind it when I’m on holiday and I don’t have anything more strenuous to do other than ordering my next drink or sunbathing on the beach but in the uk it’s horrible . The UK is not geared up for this relentless hot weather

Every where is bloody hot & sticky . Very few places have aircon as standard
So there isn’t any break from it .
I was actually hanging out in Iceland the other day to keep cool .

So to combat the heatwave I’ve added a new service to enjoy in this hot weather .

How long it will last will depend on this bloody heatwave.
I’ve decide to temporarily add a VIP shower service to go alongside my usual GFE service .
So to start with I get you nice and soapy in the shower .I will gently scrub you up and down & all over ensuring that your nice & clean before having some fun with you in the shower .
Then I will take you into the bedroom to begin my sexy erotic GFE service as usual
So if this hot weather is annoying you and you need to call down why not have a look at my new GFE & VIP service .

Prices for my GFE & VIP

30 mins £100
1hr £150

The World Cup and GarethSouthgatewould

So how many of us Escorts have been planning out tours or work around the bloody World Cup.

I know that I have and so have my friends . Trying to avoid working when England has been playing

I can compete against most things but not football and definitely not the World Cup. I had to ring my friend to find out when the matches are on and when they might be playing again as I really don’t understand it at all .

What I know about football could be written on one of my fake nails and there would still be room for some nice fancy nail art .
I don’t understand the off side rule
I definitely don’t understand the penalty kick off – I mean what If no side wins .
Do they just carry on playing till they fall over .
But I have to admit ( like quite a few other ladies ) having a bit of a girl crush on Gareth Southgate . I had never heard of him before watching the World Cup although in the deep recess of my memory I can remember him when he played in I think 1996 and England lost at penalties

He is so not my type, but there is something about that damm waistcoat he wears and how calm, yet strong he appears to be and how nice he is to everyone that brings out the ….. in me and plenty of others by all accounts .
No one seems to have a bad word to say about him and in the media and football that’s not easy to achieve

If you haven’t yet seen it and want to feel good and have a good laugh follow the hashtag GarethSouthgateWould on twitter .

It’s had me in fits of hysterics reading all the tweets about this thoroughly nice man and what people reckon he would do from not leaving the toilet lid up and pissing on the floor to taking your bins out on bin day while your on holiday and leaving you that last chocolate rollo
the hashtag garethsouthgatewould has been full of really nice funny tweets . If this man doesn’t get a knighthood at some point I would be very surprised .
Football is often seen as such a thuggish game often with violence and racial hatred but Gareth Southgate and the England team seem to have brought the better elements of the game to everyone at the World Cup

Generally the news and twitter is full of such rubbish and miserable stuff that I can’t be bothered to read it
But Gareth Southgate seems to have caught the heart of the nation and while I still can’t understand the game I shall on Saturday be at the pub watching the game

Hopefully England’s Coming Home

Im officially as thick as shit 😂

After having the nightmare of being stuck in a hotel with no hardly no signal recently I decided after speaking to my friends to invest in a phone that had wifi calling .
For those of you that has no idea what WIFI calling is it’s the ability to accept and make calls using wifi when you have a crap signal . So very useful if your in a hotel and the signal is rubbish

I was always iPhone lover . had iPhones for work for years . Absolutely loved them for ease of working Unlike wheh you got a new phone and spent days working out how to work it iPhones were always the same – idiot proof .
You could store unlimited numbers and if you lost the phone well you just got another phone and bingo you got all your contacts numbers back.

However I wanted to be able to block withheld numbers and I also wanted to get the app auto text none of which you can get on a iPhone /Apple
So I took the plunge last year and switched to a Samsung J3
Bloody brilliant I could get the auto text app which makes life much easier for work and I could block withheld numbers

However recently I wanted Wifi calling and my phone didn’t support that so I bought another Samsung Phone that did support it .

I was a bit dubious about the Samsung App that allows you to transfer everything including text messages .
Ladies If your anything like me i rarely delete my messages because it’s so useful to keep them as you can tell how many times someone has called and what messages they have left you . So my phones had bloody thousands of messages that I really didn’t want to lose

But the app lived up to its name and transferred over my zillion of contacts and my messages within mins . Sometimes technology is a wonderful thing.

However being me and being as thick as shit on some days ( it must be the nice weather). When clicking on block witheld numbers I also clicked on block all calls unless a contact.
How I did this I don’t know . Like i said the sun ha s made me very stupid .

Unfortunately yesterday I had a booking that had confirmed and called to confirm that he was near but I asked him to give me five mins as he was early but then he didn’t call back and just seemed to disappear into cyber space as guys do sometimes .

I didn’t think anything of it but yesterday my phone was dead & I mean dead like it had been cut off .
I naturally assumed it was the football , the nice weather but I checked my website and AW profile but nope they were still up and running .

It wasn’t until I was at home several hours later and I was checking my phone that I realised what I had done.
I had not only blocked witheld numbers but I had also managed to block any numbers that wasn’t in my contact lists so no one unless they were in my contacts could get through to me . duh I think I’m a gold winner in stupidness sometimes

But ladies despite my stupidity yesterday I highly recommend a Samsung J3 as a work phone . Just dont do what I did and block all numbers

And if you were the gentleman that booked me yesterday please call back.

Morrocco a bruised bum and Dyson fans

So who is enjoying this hot weather . Not me
It’s hotter in the uk than it was in Morrocco recently .
My holiday in Morrocco was interesting to say the least. On my very first day in Marrakech I slipped over fell flat on my ass and really bruised my coccyx.
Jesus Christ have you ever done that? . It hurts like someone has stuck a poker up your ass .
I’m still hurting over a month later.
On my hiking camp I couldn’t do anything physical as getting up down and leaning forward really really hurt my ass .
Doing the hikes and walks were just about bearable but anything more strenuous and I was in agony .
The coach trip to Agadir was horrible mainly because it was 3.5 hours of sitting on my ass and trying to get the most comfortable position and failing miserably.
But Agadir itself was lovely my hotel was brand new and right on beach and the promenade.

I don’t mind the hot weather when I’m on holiday and doing nothing but when I’m at home or working I bloody hate it .
In the UK we are not geared up for the hot weather at all .
So to save me from dying in this heat I’ve invested in two yes two bloody Dyson fans .
I’ve bought the bigger one for my flat in Bristol and a smaller desk top one for when I’m touring .
So hopefully they will keep me nice and cool in this heatwave
They bloody better keep me cool at the price I’m paying for them . I could probably go on holiday for the price of these two fans. So they had bloody better work . I will report back later on if they are any good or if I have just wasted my mone

Bloody tree climbing goats

Well I’m off on holiday shortly to Morrocco
I have never been there before but I am spending a few days in Marrakesh then doing a weeks hiking holiday and then a few days in Agadir on the beach

I can’t wait , I was getting really excited about going until my friend asked me why was I going to the Atlas Mountains to hike when it’s full of Goats.

Now everyone probably has a phobia , you know something that your scared of like spiders or snakes or bees or flying or maybe your scared of the dark or thunder and lightning
None of that bothers me.
Put me with a few spiders and I’m fine same for most creepy creatures. I have no problems flying and not scared of the dark . And I’m not scared of snakes or anything slimy .

But my biggest totally irrational fear is Goats and then a close second would be cows .
I have no idea why but I am petrified about Goats and cows.

And guess what in the Atlas mountains where I’m buggering off to go hiking is full of bloody Goats and no ordinary goats but goats that actually climb trees .The fuckers so not only do I have to avoid them around me while I’m walking I have to make sure none of the fuckers fall on my head either

Have you ever seen or heard of a goat climbing trees . I haven’t and I seriously thinking my hiking holiday is not going to be as fun as I thought it would be
They climb up the Argan tree in search of the fruit which they love to eat

But being goats they eat the whole fruit including the nut which they can’t digest .

So the Argan nuts pass through the digestive system of the goat whole. Once they are pooh then out , local people gather them from the goat’s droppings and crack them open to expose the seeds inside.

And these Argan nuts contain anywhere from one to three oil-rich kernels. These kernels are then roasted, ground, mashed or cold-pressed to produce argan oil, one of the most highly sought after culinary and cosmetic liquids in the world.

So that lovely expensive Argan shampoo
Or face cream and oil had probably been poohed out a Goats bum
No wonder it’s so bloody expensive

bank Holiday weekend & holidays

Well as usual the bank holiday weekend in Bristol has been a total washout rain thunder and lightning. So pretty typical for a Bank holiday weekend . Fri & Saturday have been rubbish weather wise .
I had lots of things planned including a trip to the roof top pool at the Bath Spa which has all gone tits up now thanks to the crap weather
On Sunday morning I woke up to horrendous rain and thunder storms
But suddenly the sun has woken up and now on Sunday afternoon it’s bloody boiling and I’m in leggings and jumper and sweating like a bitch . Nothing like typical British weather now is there

But at least it wasn’t bad weather last weekend when it was the Royal Wedding .The weather was absolutely perfect for a wedding .

I have to admit I watched the royal wedding and had a tear or two in my eye while telling my friends it was the onions I had chopped up earlier
I thought it was lovely. For once it seemed like a real wedding with real people who were enjoying themselves and not a stuffy one full of rules and royal protocol .
I absolutely loved the preacher and watching the Royals face as he spoke was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time.
They really did not know what to make of the guy .

It’s also that time of the year when i need a holiday .
I went to Mexico in February which was brilliant , lots of tequila and late nights out in the clubs in Cancun and three weeks of perfect sunshine .
I managed to avoid the snow in the U.K and enjoy the sunshine and I left just as spring break started and I was bloody glad that I left as it was starting to get a bit to crazy – even for me .

This time though I’m going somewhere totally different
This time I’m off to Morocco on a hiking holiday in the Atlas Mountains .
I’m spending 2 nights in Marrakesh then a weeks hiking in the mountains and then a 5 nights in Agadir on the beach and I can’t wait . I have to get the coach from Marrakesh to Agadir so that should be a interesting drive apparently they drive like lunatics
I have never been to Morocco let alone gone hiking so i will either love it or hate it .

But of course in true hooker fashion as I’m
flying from Gatwick I’m going to do work for two days before I fly . It will be my first time at Gatwick as I rarely venture past Heathrow . The thought of getting on the M25 that well known circle of hell scares the life out of me .

April Tours


As long as nothing gets in my way this is where I will be during the next month 

I’m liable to change my mind as often as I change my knickers though . So please call me to see If I’m in your area soon . 

Taunton & Bridgwater 8 -10th April

Bristol  11th April 

Solihull  12th -15th  Cheltenham 16th -17th April 

Bristol 18th April

Oxford 19th -23rd  Bristol 24-25th April 

Walsall 26th 29th Shrewsbury 30th April – 3rd May 

Bristol 4th May – 7th May 



New photos and selfies

Hope you like my lovely new photos in my gallery 

They  were taken in August 2017 by the lovely Alan Thomas of 

Ive added a few selfies as well from when I was on holiday in Miami recently so hope you like them as well 

My touring & whoring for Sept & Oct

So I’m back from my holiday and have lots of tours planned


Bristol 23rd -24th Oct

Walsall.  -26th – 29Oct

Bristol 28th Oct –  31st Oct 

Heathrow   2nd Nov – 6th Nov 

Bristol 7 – 8th Nov 

Solihul 9th -12th Nov 

chester 13th – 16th Nov 

shrewsbury 16th 19th Nov 

Bristol 20th – 23rd Nov 

Oxford  24th – 26th Nov 


Hurricane Irma

Big & Bad Hurricane Irma



I’m sure you have all heard of Irma by now, a hurricane the size of France powering her way through the Caribbean towards Florida destroying islands every few hours .

Initially the reports were sort of vague , I knew it was in the Caribbean and was heading towards the islands but it wasn’t really going to hit Florida ,even less so Miami . So the weekend for every one carried on as normal, clubs bars and plenty of sunshine and sunbathing on the beach .

However after the weekend the Governor of Florida and the Mayor of Miami started to issue warnings to everyone with regards to Irma . They didn’t know if Miami was going to be hit by Irma but they were warning people to start preparing just in case .

But at this point no one seemed to be really taking any real notice of the warnings .The bars and restaurants of Ocean Drive were still packed out Beach and SouthBeach and Lincoln Rd were still really busy with locals and tourist . I went on two trips and everything was pretty much normal in Miami

Tuesday morning though my hotel told all guest that they may need to leave on earlier than planned and they would keep us updated and we should listen out for any warnings .
At this point I wasn’t that bothered and many other people were the same but I rang my airline and enquired about getting a earlier flight out .
But because nothing was definite the earliest they could give me with no penalties was Sunday so I took this earlier flight just to be safe . However it was still lovely and sunny & warm and a hurricane was just about the furthest thing I was really thinking about .

However the next day they started to give out warnings about possible mandatory evacuations in zone A&B But again nothing was actually official . But I and many others was beginning to get worried . Hurricane Irma was causing a lot of damage in the Caribbean Islands .

The tiny island of Barbuda was practically ripped apart ,one news report stated that once there was an island called Barbuda but it’s gone now .The tiny island had almost vanished when Irma passed over it .
Antigua and the US & British Virgin Islands didn’t fare much better with wide spread devastating damage and several people had been killed .
So I rang my airline again and asked to get on a earlier flight and they managed to get me on a Friday flight But even at this point the airlines were still flying into Miami so I wasn’t overly bothered .
But people were turning up at my hotel and being told that they could stay for 1 night possibly 2 but they couldn’t guarantee any more nights than that .

At my hotel and all the other beach front hotels they were beginning initial preparations for the possibility of being hit by Irma. All the sun beds and beach huts were removed from the beach and the pool area
Doors were being shored up by sandbags and plywood was being placed over the doors
In my room the cleaners brought in the patio chairs and tables into the bedroom for safe keeping . It was like being in a very upmarket & posh war zone in the sunshine .

I went out on Wednesday night to Lincoln Rd to do some last minute shopping and that’s when I realised that even without an official evacuation order thousands & thousands of people had left Miami already .

Lincoln Rd Ocean Drive & Washington Ave were like a graveyard, only 2 days before I was getting annoyed at the amount of people you had to push pass to get anywhere .
Now it was like a something out of Walking Dead . Shops were getting boarded up table and chairs were being removed from the sidewalks anything that could be blown away was being taken indoors .
Clubs and bars that only a day or two before were packed with people having a good time were empty .


Thursday morning I woke up to another glorious sunshine day in Miami ,perfect sunbathing weather and not a cloud in the sky .
But I also woke up to a letter that had been slid under my door informing me that zone A&B were being evacuated and I needed to be out of my room by twelve midday today as the hotel was closing today
They also mentioned that Miami airport would most likely close on Friday which was when I was due to fly home .

Florida was now an official state of emergency . A mandatory evacuation were now in place for zones A&B
Everyone in these area mainly beach front hotels full of tourists were told they had to leave as soon as possible .
In a total panic I rang my airline . I was in tears on the phone , the man I was speaking to was adamant there was absolutely no way I was going to get a flight out today from Miami . I said I was willing to fly anywhere but my hotel was kicking me out and I had no where to go all the airport hotels were full up .

Now I don’t know how he did it, but after a nail biting 45 mins on the phone he managed to get me a seat on the Thursday evening flight out of Miami .
At this point in complete tears I told him that I loved him 100 percent and that he was the best guy I’d ever met in my life . At this point I would have done & said just about anything to get on that flight home .

I was pretty lucky to get out of Miami quickly as the airport closed on Friday and is possibly not re- opening till Tuesday .Miami airport was packed solid everyone was trying to get a flight out . The plane was totally full, not a single spare seat anywhere .

Since I arrived back on Friday in between sleeping and getting rid of jet lag I have been closely watching and reading everything about Hurricane Irma and it’s pretty terrifying .

The streets of Brickell where I did part of my big bus tour only two days earlier was flooded and cranes had toppled and snapped into buildings . Roofs had been ripped off buildings . Brickell Ave became a three foot river almost instantly

Indian Creek which was opposite my hotel overflowed onto Collins Ave . I took photos of it on the morning that I left and the water levels were pretty high even then.
Cuba in particular Havana has been very badly hit. In Havana I can remember that the buildings were very old and many were falling down a few years ago when I visited .So god only knows what Hurricane Irma managed to do to these buildings .

Miami airport Is still shut as I write this and Hurricane Irma is still causing death and destruction all over Florida & the Caribbean with Tornados, huge waves & floods causing power cuts everywhere and even though she’s been downgraded several notches she’s still a big threat to Florida & the Caribbean at present .

I’m gutted that my two week holiday was ruined but I’m glad to be home safe and sound and I feel for all those people who have lost friends family’s and their homes in the last week .
Next time I will avoid the bloody hurricane season or fuck it I might just go to Weston Super Mare, at least there the worse thing that can happen is that I’ll get chased by a crazy beach donkey .

Welcome To Miami …


Welcome To Miami as Will Smith rapped

Party in the city where the heat is on
All night, on the beach till the break of dawn ”

After visiting San Diego & LA earlier this year I really wanted to go back the USA and decided that Miami would be a perfect place to visit . Fantastic beaches lots of places to visit like Key West and the Everglades and the possibility of a day trip to the Bahamas.
Miami and it’s famous South Beach & Ocean Rd has been immortalised in loads of films and music videos It’s the perfect locations for a beach & City holiday . I was a big fan of Dexter 😄 so felt that I knew Miami in a stupid way .and some of my favourite films have been filmed in Miami such as Bad Boys 1 & 2 The Bodyguard , Casino Royal. Miami Vice. ScarFace & Wild Things and of course CSI Miami .

I did sort of wonder why the flights were dirt cheap and that I got such an amazing deal for two weeks in Miami but it was to good an offer to refuse .
I was staying a a fabulous beach front hotel only a few minutes walk from South Beach & the famous Ocean Drive
The weather was perfect (😂) mid thirties every day ,all day . The beach was perfect and the sea was lovely & warm & very calm .

I always do a big bus tour whenever I visit somewhere as it means I can get out and see all the main attractions with ease . I took the bus tour that took me all along Collins Ave and over to Bayside Market & Bicknell and also saw Little Havana and Coconut Grove . I went shopping at Aventura Mall which is a shoppers paradise .
I did the Thriller Boat Ride which was fast wet & furious and took you all over the bay and along South Beach Indian Creek, Fisher Island & Star Island where you managed to get a view of the 100 million dollar home owned by the Dr that created Viagra .Along with other beautiful mansions owned by famous stars like Sylvester Stallone Will Smith & Julia Roberts .
I went clubbing on Washington Rd to Twist, Story & Dreams and had dinner at the famous Mangos on Ocean Drive where I watched some amazing Latin dancers .

I cried & laughed in horror at the $12 for a Corona & $25 for a cocktail . I was never going to to get drunk at these prices .
I managed to get some shopping done on Lincoln Rd where you had numerous shops bars and restaurants to choose from every night .
Everything was going great . I was planning my day trip to the Everglades and Key West and & was hoping to get the opportunity to do a day trip to the Bahamas but then a little problem hit.

Well actually it was quite a big problem, one by the name of Irma

Bates Motel in sunny Wolverhampton

Recently I spent a few days in Wolverhampton .
It was the week when we had our British Summer of tropical weather with temperature reaching the mid thirties by midday .
And I had to pick the only hotel that had no bloody air con .

It was also a bigger version of the Bates Motel from the film Pyscho but that’s another story for another day
The particular hotel is a cross between Bates Motel and your dear old grans house with the decor to match. Sort of shabby chic but way more shabby than chic .

I’m not going to name the hotel but anyone who lives in Wolverhampton or has worked in Wolverhampton will know the hotel that I mean . It’s notoriety is well known . I didn’t even have to say the name but just mention the pub and every client knew where I was staying .

The hotels saving grace was that it was a fabulous location in Wolverhampton with a great pub opposite and the town centre a five minute walk away & cheap parking and it had that rarity in a hotel – windows that actually open properly .
Although that might be so that you can throw yourself out to kill yourself if necessary .

And I only paid £160 for 4 nights so I can’t really grumble at that price .


This particular chain of hotels all have fabulous first class locations in the UK . Nearly always right in the city centre with everything you need within walking distance .

But it seems like the owners do nothing to update the hotels and spend the bare minimum on the hotels which is a shame as they could be amazing hotels with a little bit of thought and care – ok a lot of thought and care and a ton of paint




San Diego Hollywood Valet Parking & Food

Ive recently had an amazing trip to America
First I spent some time in Tijuana Mexico visiting friends who live there before heading over the border to San Diego for a week before catching the Amtrack train to LA & Hollywood for a Week.
My flight was long a flight from London to Mexico City thrn a flight from Mexico City to Tijuana

Tijuana or TJ as it’s known is one of the busiest land border crossings in the world .
I saw the famous fence that’s stretches out into the sea and runs for over 2000 miles separating America from Mexico .
Good luck with Trump trying to build that wall that’s he wants . It’s going to be a tough one to build .
It’s fun though to walk across the border both ways and doesn’t take that long, maybe 30-45 mins . Thousands of people do it every single day .

And once your in San Diego you can walk to the huge Shopping plaza that has everything at 50 percent off or you can visit the last McDonald’s in America right on the border with TJ or like me you can get the trolly /tram that goes right from the border to down town San Diegio

I swear American border control officers do a course in how to be grade 1 miserable fuckers They never ever smile .


San Diego though is gorgeous city . I visited last summer and really enjoyed myself so wanted to visit again but spend more time on the beach
So this time I spent most of my time relaxing at Mission beach sunbathing and managed to get up to La Jolla where the crazy sea lions live and have practically taken over parts of the beach in La Jolla .

Hollywood on the other hand is totally different place to San Diego, sleazy dirty and crazy & lots of fun all in one go.
I stayed at the Loews Hotel which is probably one of the best hotels in Hollywood if you want to be on the walk of fame and right where the action is which I did .

It’s connected to the Chinese Theatre & the Dolby Cinema where the Oscars are held so it’s the perfect location to star spot and have some fun .

I wasn’t driving and used public transport and it was pretty easy to get around here in LA everyone seems to drive like they just need to be somewhere yesterday and that they got a fucking horn as a Christmas present and just realised it and need to use it constantly .

Not to mention the constant revving of the Engines. Yes we know is a Ferrari, Bentley Porsche ( insert whatever high end car you like ) but you are not Vin Diesel and your not fucking drag racing .. They drive like cunts probably mainly because unlike the UK there are very few traffic cameras on the Streets so it’s pretty much a free for all in terms of driving as fast & as mad as you can in the side streets. Unlike the UK where you can’t fart without CCTV noticing in I noticed that the streets in San Diegio & Hollywood have no real traffic cameras to keep the crazy drivers in line .

I swear it’s one of the worse places I have been for crazy car drivers beating the UAE & Malta for the madness of the drivers hands down.
I also managed to spend some time in Santa Monica, Venice Beach & Marina Del Ray all of which are gorgeous places to visit when the sun is out . The Santa Monica Pier is lovely with the old fashioned Ferris Wheel that you can see for miles and the beaches are to die for ,they go on forever and you can even see the Malibu cliffs from the pier

Another one of my favourite places was Farmers market and the attached shopping area is gorgeous .Yet again loads and loads of places to satisfy your taste buds but I wasn’t interested in the food . I spent loads of time here shopping for stuff I can’t get in the UK .

I also spent the afternoon in Beverly Hills strolling along Rodeo Drive .
I didn’t buy anything ( way to expensive ) but I got a scrumptious piece of chocolate caramel mouse cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory . We need to have the Cheesecake Factory in the UK they are awesome .

They must have about 30 different types of cheesecakes to choose from you are literally spoilt for choice from these scrummy cheesecakes & they are bloody huge portions as well .


One thing i realised is that there is a complete obsession with food in the USA .
I can totally understand how they have a major obesity problem . You can not walk 5 steps without being surround by food of all sorts .

On my train journey from San Diego to LA . A train ride that took 3 hours ,2 lady’s were sat opposite me and for 3hrs all they spoke about was food .

Seriously 3hrs non stop talking about food , dinning , drinking , bars , recommendations for not only San Diego but also New York & Toronto.
I was starving hungry from listening to them But I do know where all the great restaurants and bars are .

Also what I discovered is that in America you can’t walk or drive anywhere without finding a drive thru restaurant or some kind of food establishment . It’s like the country has been taken over by food . Not Aliens or Donald Trump but bloody food .

There are shopping complexes similar to our British out of town retail parks that are dedicated just to food .Nothing else just food .
Imagine the Mall in Bristol but instead of PC World & B&Q it’s IHOP Jacks & Burger King ,The Cheesecake Factory and a shit load more food outlets .

And Valet parking WTF is that all about
Are people that lazy they can’t park there car . I mean there are plenty of things in the world that are pretty useful to have like the internet & wastapp but Valet Parking .
Paying someone to park your car is just totally crazy . Why I just don’t get it why not park it yourself . One lady I met said that she won’t even visit anywhere that won’t offer Valet Parking .
But despite all these slightly strange things I had a brilliant time



Idiots come in all shapes & sizes



There is something about selling a car that brings out the assholes in life .

I recently sold my beloved car 
I had her for 10 years and she only really low mileage on the clock .
She ( yes it was a she, she was called Gloria ) really was in immaculate condition inside and out .

So it shouldn’t be that hard to sell a really nice immaculate car with low mileage , should it.
Well I sold it within 2 weeks which is apparently amazing for a private sale,
but fuck me the amount of idiots and stupid texts I got , I honestly thought I had put my work number on the advert by mistake .

Is it available
Will you take xxxx
Details of car
You around tomorrow for a test drive
Is that really the car in the picture

Substitute a few key words and it was like being at work . FFS

I took lots of good photos both inside & out . I even took a video to put on the advert .
I had it MOT & serviced and I even did a HPI check it myself so that I could ensure buyers that I had no finance or hadn’t been written off. I spent money on advertising it on the main car selling sites with a well written advert .

But It’s almost like people are bored on the weekends and think lets go and have a look at a car that I can’t afford but will get to drive .
Or you get the tyre kickers & boy racers that just want to drive a really fast car .


My favourite though was the American guy who came to view it .Took it for a test drive
( couldn’t drive for shit ) then said I need to think about it – it’s not a very masculine colour

I mean WTF the colour of the car is on the advert in the picture that I took . Was he fucking blind or just really thick .so if your worried about not being masculine why the fuck are you looking at my car . My actual words to him and not my thoughts .

A few days later he sent me a text . “Your in my top two”
“Yeah well call me back when I’m number 1 . I replied .
See what I mean – just like being at work


Then another text which he said would I take it to his friend to check it over .

“No I haven’t got fucking time to do that .but if his friend wants to come and look at it that’s fine “.

Then another text can he take it for another test drive .

So I relent and play nice and say sure

So after another test drive he says auto trader says it’s worth £4350
Ok deep breath and I’m seeing red now . The car was up for £5500 & I would accept £5000

So I smiled sweetly and said yes I know that I checked the price before I advertised it
But I think you will find that’s for one in good condition and average mileage

The average mileage is 10,000 -15000 a year and so my car should have 100,000 plus miles on it . My Car mirages is so low she should be a new born baby 
It’s also in showroom condition, not a single scratch chip or dent to be seen on the paintwork .It was full black leather interior and it was fully loaded with every extra it could have on it .
So no I won’t be selling it for that price but you can make me a offer .

He says ok rather sheepishly and leaves. I’ve heard the last of him I hope .

Nope . 3 days later I get a text while from him saying he really really likes the car but he is just not sure about the colour.

So I flip and say no problem but it’s not for sale any more

Idiot – but it’s still advertised

Me – yeah I know that .

Idiot – so I’m still interested

Me – well it’s is for sale but not to you anymore

Idiot – uhh what do you mean

Me Exactly what I just said . It’s still for sale but I’m not selling it to you

Idiot aw gee why not I really like , it your not being fair honey

Me – Seeing read now at the honey comment – Look selling & buying a car should be bloody easy . You want a garage service with multiple test drives and stuff go to a garage . You will pay more money but you will be able to annoy the fuck out of them .
Your the sort of guy that will come back after after you bought it moaning .

I can’t be assed and would rather leave the car on my driveway as a expensive flower pot than sell it to you . I don’t need the money . Plus I have a brand new car so I’m not in any rush to sell it .

Idiot – aw that’s a bit rough honey I’m in a strange country and I don’t want to get ripped off I really like your car , so it’s not for sale

Me . Then buy from a garage .You will pay more but you will have piece of mind

I’m sniggering to myself at the thought of a garage giving you piece of mind , but hey ho .

Me – But like I said I’m not selling it to you

He carried on sending me a few texts over the weekend saying if I changed my mind to let him no but at no point did he make me an offer . idiot


A few days later I had a another call .They asked if the car was still for sale . I said yes but I had someone coming from london the next day to look at it .
They replied look if the car is exactly like it is in the pictures I will come down tonight pay you £500 deposit and then collect it the next day

So they came and looked at it took it for a test drive paid the £500 deposit and collected it the next day for the full asking price .
That’s what I mean when I said selling a car should be bloody easy .








Paris In Paris


After 3 mad days in Disney going on ride after ride walking from park to park and being on the go all day long ,we really needed a chill out day and thought that a day out in Paris would be in order .
So we got the train from Euro Disney to Paris getting off at the Trocadero and stupidly asking where the Eiffel Tower was ( like its not bloody big enough to spot ) .

But If you can call a chill out day walking , yes walking up the bloody Eiffel Tower then that’s what we did to relax lol
We could have taken the lifts but there was a queue and after spending time queuing in Euro Disney the last thing I wanted to do was bloody queue again .
So we walked up the steps right up to the first floor where incredibly there is a ice skating rink.
and then up to the second floor where we got some amazing & very beautiful views of Paris before taking the lift to the very very top floor to look at Paris from the very top of tower

I don’t even like driving across the Clifton Suspension Bridge so being right at the top is quite queasy looking all the way down with just a bit of metal in front of you is a little bit scary

Walking back down was a lot more fun than walking up though and I got back down to the bottom in record time .

Not as bad as I thought it would be

Ive recently spent a week at Euro Disney .Theme parks are just not my thing. Ive only been to Alton Towers twice in my life and that was enough

The nearest I get to a theme park would be the Pier at Weston Super Mare

I sort of got suckered into going but decided if I had to spend a week of hell with screaming kids stressed parents , and cheesy disney characters then I would do it properly and stay at the Disney Land Hotel
Mainly because it’s right next to the parks and should I get the urge to want to kill someone in fact anyone including Micky Mouse or Donald Duck I could retreat to the hotel to chill out Queuing for 2 hours to ride Indiana Jones or the Tower of Terror can do strange things to a persons mind .

But the hotel was fabulous it really is something special and staying at the hotel we ate every night in Inventions restaurants where all the disney characters hang out . So my dinner consisted of Pluto Micky Minnie Tigger Goofy and numerous other Disney Characters. Fun on the first & second night but driving me insane on my last night .

The hotel even smells wonderful and when enquiring about the smell I was told I could buy the Disneyland Smell as a air freshener for only 60 euros ? Disney has cornered every market to sell to people possible including the smell of the hotel

I decided that I would release the inner child in me for most of the time and go with the flow .

Ive always thought it was ridiculous that people had told me that you must book your meals in advance and be very organised .Why I thought to myself it’s a holiday why do you need to be organised but I can totally understand why .

it was like a well planned operation. I was lucky enough to get a brilliant deal which included 2 character meals a day if required so I thought I might as well take advantage of it and booked the meals in advance for every day that I was there .This meant that we had 12 bloody character meals
I was glad that I did book in advance as lots of people couldn’t get reservations and were being told that the nearest reservations in the character restaurants were 5 days away .

So the days went something like this
Breakfast at 7am
In the parks by 8am to take advantage of the early morning magic hours and get on the rides without queuing .
10 am it was over the the Disney Studios which I personally preferred and start the first fast pass of the day and doing single rider access to ensure that we all got on our favourite rides
Queues were way to long for me 90 mins was average for Crushers Coaster and Tower of Terror both of which I loved
And queuing an hour to go on a ride that last 45 seconds is not something I like to do .
Lunch with either the princess’s at their Castle or at cafe Mickey every day
Then back in the parks to get on more rides and do more mad stuff before watching the fireworks at 8pm & dinner at 9pm with the Disney characters and in bed by 11.30 to get ready for another day .

I need a holiday to get over this holiday ,

A week of self inflicted hell .




If you hear of a woman shooting a mouse or a duck or even a princess or two in Paris in Feb that will be me.

I don’t know how but I have been roped into taking my nieces & nephew to Euro Disney .
And not only for 1 or 2 days but 6 bloody whole days . 6 days and nights of self imposed hell .

How the fuck am I going to survive dinner with Micky & Minnie every night let alone breakfast with the fuckers. Im going to flip . I can’t remember the last time I watched a disney film.

Plus I checked the temperature and last year in Feb it’s was freezing with the possibility of snow .so I will need thermals, my ugg boots a warm jacket and a hat & gloves

We are staying at the Disneyland hotel ( that was the deal as far as I was concerned )
if I have to subject myself to bloody fake smiles disney happiness and loads of bratty kids as its half term then I want a bit a of luxury no scrap that I want a lot of luxury & a pool and a spa . So the pink cup cake palace it is .m

By all accounts on Trip Advisor it’s a lovely hotel although the swimming pool is apparently cold ?
But it’s close enough to the park that you can nip back when you feel the urge to kill a mouse or a princess so that will suit me just fine

My other part of the deal was at least one afternoon into Paris to climb the Eiffel Tower and do the Paris Dungeons which are apparently amazing . And to find the main Longchamp shop so that I can add a few more bags to my collection of bags .

So I am going to try and behave myself and not kill Micky Mouse & the gang but I can’t promise

Is anyone else this clumsy and stupid

So has anyone else been this bloody stupid or unlucky 

Just before Christmas on Christmas Eve I was sat in my flat multitasking ie giving blowjobs and wrapping up Christmas presents .
I had a bottle of water on the side that i hit over so I thought i better move my phones so that I don’t get water on them .
So I put them on the floor while thinking to myself I better not stand on my phones . As I was thinking this to myself what did I do but fucking stand on not 1 but 2 bloody iPhones .
Crushed them to pieces totally fucked up beyond recognition.
Cue a rush to my local phone repair shop to get them repaired on Christmas Eve
Unfortunately the iPhone five was unrepairable do I had to buy a new one and my iPhone 6s needed a new screen .So several hundred pounds later Im back in business .

So today Im sat down watching of all things on net flix Dirty Bloody Harry and I ceremoniously manage to drop my replaced iPhone 5 into my glass of Orange juice .

I thought OJ was good for you but its certainly not the case for me
At the moment it’s still working but im wondering how long it will take to stop working ( fingers crossed )

2016 -2017 & The Death Of A Music Icon


It’s 2017 and 2016 been a year I won’t forget .

I took my first trip to America to the gorgeous San Diego & LA earlier this year. It was when Brexit happened and the Americans kept asking if I was going to be able to get back in to the UK . Bless them . America was lovely so much nicer than I thought it would be . I saw the wild sea lions in LA Jolla and went to Sea World and San Diego Zoo and had a brilliant time in LA as well . I enjoyed it so much I’m going back in March for another holiday

But there has also been lots of sadness with so many famous & talented people dying in 2016 . Sort of a pry of my youth and background of my growing up . 
David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman Carrie Fisher and her mother Debbie Reynolds & Muhammad Ali & on Christmas day George Michael to name but a few of the talented people that’s have passed away in 2016 . 

For myself personally though the death of George Michael was one that really shocked & upset me a lot .
Growing up George Michael & Wham & his solo songs were a huge part of my life .

I was a massive fan of Wham but when he went solo I think that was the time that I really began to like any sort of music . I went to several of his concerts over the years with friends and he was totally amazing as a performer . I’ve seen many artist since but George Michale remains the very best . Many car journeys with friends and family have been eased by singing along  to his classics like wake me up and club tropicanna 

Like many people his many songs like Careless Whisper , Different Corner, Jesus to a Child Faith , Freedom & many many others have been the background music for many significant points in my life .The  background to the 80s & 90s for many of his fans myself 

Last Christmas was always always played at Christmas in my house without fail every year. along with Everything She Wants & Careless Whisper which was the ultimate smooch song. Club Tropicana Wham Rap  & Freedom was the background music for cheesy girls nights outs .

It’s been the only time in my life that someone famous who I really liked & admired and was a big part of my youth and growing up has died and I will admit to crying over his death on Christmas Day when I heard about it.

He was one of those people that never took himself to seriously and always managed to turn a negative situation into something positive from being caught in a toilet in LA and making a hit song out of it, to going to prison in the UK and having the prisoners singing his hit songs everyday to him .

But he took it all in his stride and never really complained . He was immensely private but also hugely famous and the two don’t really go together I suppose.  

Being gay and not being able to admit this and a heartthrob to millions of women couldn’t of been easy in the 80s either . But it didn’t stop his millions of fans still loving his music and admiring him when he finally admitted he was gay .
No one cared really . As a fan like many others , I was happy that he could finally be happy with himself and no longer live a lie.  I absolutely adored his music from the very beginning . And I along with many others cried at his death on Christmas Day . 

RIP George Michael . You were a true gentleman and a true star and gave so many people much happiness through your music ,your beautiful voice and your many unheard of charitable deeds. You were loved  admired by so many people  and your soul will live on in our memories of you and your beautiful music .